Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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