This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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