took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
