This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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