I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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