On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
