I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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