For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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