I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
