I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
