apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
