dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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