shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
