Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
