My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think my moral compass just broke
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
