Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
