It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
