Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
