Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
