she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
3 2 1 whiskey
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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