I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
