Your face is a jimmy john
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
