lets start a swedish sibling band together
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
