Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
