don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
