Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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