i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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