the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
