it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
