I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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