whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
