We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
how drunk are you?
Several
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
