We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
