he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
