he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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