so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
