I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
