I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
try to milk me bitch
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
