i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
tell me about the eggs
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
