tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
