Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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