i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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