Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
