i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
