I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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