i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
There's always time for handjobs
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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