I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
