My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
