Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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