she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
