you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
